Christmas Chaos
by halfie1981
Summary: Lily Potter had a plan. If only everybody could just do as she wanted, all would be well. Warning: suggested incest.


Planning, Lily had found, was easy when you had competent minions, who were able to see towards the end result and see the logical steps in between. Planning with Hugo Weasley and Albus Potter was about as easy as stopping a greased up, frothing mouth angry pig in a passageway with only a two inch long stick and some tangled up string.

It wasn't that they thick. Hugo for instance had inherited the best of his mother and father. His mother's ability to remember verbatim anything she read and heard was strong in Hugo, and his father's ability to see right to the heart of the matter and strike with unflinching aim (admittedly a trait Uncle Ron had only developed once past the ravages of puberty) was one of her favourite things about Hugo. He had also, Lily believed, risen to such intellectual heights, that he frequently found hitherto unknown pockets of condensed stupidity.

Albus was as cunning and as sly as any Slytherin could be, but with a temper that, when things went wrong (which they usually did, re: Hugo and pockets of stupidity) could be relied upon to inform the surrounding area of everything that was planned, that was about to happen and what had gone wrong, to a distance of at least 50 miles. His mother's temper had been joined by, and often egged on by, their Grandmother's. That both women were rumoured to be spawn of a disgusting union between Banshee and mortal was no surprise.

Putting two such people together never goes well, even when they're relegated to status of minion. That Lily had no choice but to use the two was annoying. Annoying enough that if Lily had to listen to one more minute of their discussion (read – argument) on whether tea would taste different if it was coloured pink, she would no doubt end up in Azkaban for killing them, preferably by shoving their wands up both of their arse and setting of a timed Reducto.

Although Al would probably enjoy that...

Her first choices for any plotting of nefarious schemes would usually be Rose, Teddy, Lorcan and Lysander, but all of those were out. Rose was so utterly caught up in her budding romance with Fenella Finnegan that Lily suspected those pockets of stupidity were, in fact parasitic, with a taste for Weasley brain matter. Although that tentacle curse they had perfected made Lily wonder just how kinky those girls were.

Lorcan and Lysander were off Snorcack Hunting, but everyone knew that "Snorcack Hunting" was merely a front for the fact they were attempting to shag each other in every major city on the globe. They had so far managed London, Paris, Berlin, Brussels and Tokyo. Lily was impressed, and thought that the Scamander Circuit could become just as popular as the Hogwarts Circuit. The postcards she had received, and in one case a copy of the Notice of Official Pardon from the French government told her that they were having the time of their lives. Or at least the most scandalous time of their lives.

And Teddy. Well, Teddy was out due to the fact that he was one of the targets of "The Plan."

At last, "The Plan" was ready for implementation. Lily had always known that James, who just so happened to be her favourite brother, was closer to Teddy than anyone else. When they were younger, he had idolised Teddy, and had been utterly distraught to realise that Teddy's abilities were not learn-able.

When James had been given the Quidditch Captaincy, Teddy received the first letter. When James was made prefect, Teddy knew first. When James decided to come out, it was to Teddy. When Teddy had split up with Victoire (and wasn't that a fine old time in the extended Weasley-Potter family) James had smirked and his eyes shone with a happiness that Lily had not seen for a long time.

Yes, Lily knew that James and Teddy were close. She also knew that they both wanted to be closer, but for some reason were afraid to take that final step. Bloody cowards, making her do all the work for them. Still, Lily mused, they'll owe me for this. Owe me big.

The plan was perfect in it's simplicity, which was lucky, as simple was the best she'd managed with Al and Hugo. Tonight was Family Dinner Night, as always on Christmas Eve. The Potter's dining room had been extended to fit everyone in. There would be eating, shouting, laughing. There would be dancing and drinking after, as other guests arrived. The Finnegans, the Macmillans, the Thomases and more. Once everyone was liberally oiled, it would be time.

Target Anal Retentive (Teddy) was to be lured into the garden shed by Hugo, using a ruse as yet to be decided. Target Filthy Slob (James) was also to be lured to the shed by Al, using the simple sibling attack and run away ruse. Once both Targets were in place, the shed would be locked and sealed by Lily's personal, self created locking charm. They had already made the shed ready, transfiguring an old sack into a soft, comfy bed, soft lighting and a timed howler ready to go off and gently scream at the Targets to get over themselves and shag before they become so miserable that it begins to affect everyone else. The carefully concealed mirrors would them relay everything that happened to a large mirror in Lily's bedroom.

* * *

Victoire was watching Teddy. Victoire enjoyed watching Teddy, as everything he did ended up in The Dossier. The Dossier was full of interesting observations, such as the the fact that Teddy chewed food on the right side of mouth, and that his eye twitched slightly when Aunt Ginny spoke of Mr. Lupin (Senior and Deceased. Victoire understood this, as dead people were both boring and slightly gross.)

Victoire had a plan. Victoire had decided that it was time for Teddy to stop being so stupid, and to come back to her. She had purchased the most beautiful underwear she could find; a corset, knickers and garter set in a pale pink coral silk. She had arranged her bedroom to be conducive to seduction, and had gotten an illegal, untraceable portkey from Uncle George. All she had to do was get Teddy alone and set the portkey off. Once he saw her, nearly naked, he would crumble, he would take her and he would be hers. The magic inhibiting handcuffs she'd liberated from Auror Headquarters when she visited Uncle Harry last week were just there for fun. Really.

A small giggle slipped past her lips as she thought about the coming evening's delights, unaware that she was being observed.

* * *

James knew Victoire was up to something, and whenever she was attempting to think, Teddy was involved somehow. The last time she'd had that slightly constipated look on her face, she had been concocting an unbelievably bizarre attempt to win back Teddy's affections.

From what he could remember, as he'd tried to obliviate himself and managed to only remove tiny parts of the memory (and strangely, most of his third year at Hogwarts), she had, for some reason sent Teddy a real, living baby; upon which she had charmed wings and sparkles, with a note saying that their child needed his father. The fact that child was a. female, b. "borrowed" from a muggle maternity ward, and c. black, didn't seem to make any difference to Victoire.

The ensuing chaos had been hilarious though. Uncle Bill had panicked and sprouted fur in the middle of the lunar month, Aunt Fleur had thrown fireballs at Uncle Bill, saying that Victoire's "unreasoning belief that she can do whatever she wants without reason or necessary sanity" was all his fault. Grandma Molly had cried and cooed over the baby, saying that Teddy and Victoire had created an actual angel, and Dad had locked himself in his study and refused to come out until Uncle Bill had sorted the whole mess out.

Teddy's response was swift and peacefully brutal. He'd had Victoire arrested for stalking, had a restraining order taken out on her and hired Aunt Hermione to try to have Victoire admitted to an asylum. They failed in their committal attempt, but only just.

Yes, James needed to keep an eye on Victoire tonight. Bloody family dinners. The Gods were truly cruel to have invented them.

* * *

It was all going wrong. Lily was running, along with Hugo and Al towards the high pitched scream that was coming from, she guessed, Teddy's mouth. James' voice joined Teddy's, loudly declaring that if Victoire (it could only be Victoire) didn't get her hands off Teddy right now he would "rip your tits off and make you eat them raw, you depraved, bony kneed freak show from the deepest depths of Hell!"

Off to the left, Al sniggered at the somewhat inventive threat. Hugo repeated it under his breath, trying to memorise it for the next time Scorpius Malfoy tried to curse him.

When the three rounded the corner into James' bedroom, the tableau they were confronted with was nothing short of hilarious. Teddy was backed up into a corner of the room, eyes and hair white and skin a pale green. Victoire was lay spread eagled across the bed, wearing the most frilly piece of lingerie Lily had ever seen, in a colour only a simpering Regency virgin would wear. James was towering over her, face red, eyes wide and spittle flying from his mouth as he elaborated on the tit ripping torture he was about to rain down upon her. In one of his wildly waving hands was a silver comb, which Lily guessed was charmed for some reason.

Taking control, Lily sent Al down to their Dad's study to get his secret, and therefore known by everyone, pair of Auror handcuffs. She told Hugo to go to Teddy and try to bring him round, without laughing at the terror struck look of horror on his face. She moved towards the bed, grabbed James and dragged him away from Victoire and sitting him on the desk chair, pinning him there with a look that promised pain and torment should he move.

When Al returned, out of breath and still laughing, Lily quickly placed the handcuffs on Victoire and, just to be safe, tied her to the bed post with two of James' belts. Victoire's shouting was silenced quickly, the silencing spell coming from a revived Teddy.

Thinking quickly, Lily grabbed Teddy's and James' hands, dragging them from the room and declaring that they needed to calm down and that there was some booze in the shed that she, Al and Hugo were planning to keep to themselves. Hugo agreed quickly, while Al was still busy laughing at Victoire.

Finally at the shed, Lily, was nearly out of patience. She shoved them roughly in, cast the locking charm and walked swiftly back towards the house, Al and Hugo trailing in her wake. Right now, she was past caring if Teddy and James got it sorted or not; the plan had been ruined and Victoire's exploits were going to cause hell on in the family, yet again.

Hugo's hand slipped into hers as they walked into her bedroom, Al locking the door as he entered last. Sitting on the bed, she activated the mirror and was confronted by the image of a half naked Teddy kissing James as though the world was about to end. Her smug smile slipped slightly as she felt soft lips on the back of her neck and a gentle hand moving slowly up her leg. Looking down at Al's messy hair resting against her thigh, dark and bold against her pale skin, she smiled again, tender and accepting.

She supposed they had earned this reward, all of them. Idiots they may be, but she really did love them.


End file.
